Ultimate Betrayal

I won't pretend that I intend on living a lie. However, the reality of the matter is so cloudy, that the situation appears clearer each day... I am caught between the decision of neglecting my dream of me being an artist for the sake of my career, Architecture... The dilemma lies at the fact that one can not survive off an artist salary nor will it metaphorically repay the debts to my father; therefore, the dream must die,...or continue to curdle at the gates of internal gratification, since that’s the only place where it will be truly satisfying…

I won’t pretend that I'm good at settling for methods of pacification, nor muzzling my intentions for the sake of financial gain, but I just can’t survive off the truth… Have I adopted gold-digging ideologies on the path of achieving the…goal?
I’ve tried neglecting my career path for the sake of my true love, but the years and experiences have accumulated, which serves as a security mechanism.
Damn, this feeling seems oh so familiar. I have encountered this same fuckery in a past relationship with a man (genetically speaking). Years grew, but the feelings were stunted by pure frustration and agonizing sacrifices. Love was slowly converted into like and 3 years grew into 4, then 5, then 6, then to… nowhere.

I clung to time invested, rather than investing time into something of substance. But, that was the easiest way to avoid the truth. I told myself, never again... But here I am encountering a situation of close resemblance. Sitting here wasting my time on my father’s dream, would be like waiting for the sun to peak above the horizon in a world consisting of only dark nights. Sadly, that’s where I often find myself drifting…in the dark... So I alter my reality with artistic expressions for the sake of blanketing the unsatisfactory variables of my potential career.

The biggest misconception that others often perceive about Architects is that they are bound to be financially accomplished, but like I stated, it’s all a misconception. The financial gain is reasonable, but the sacrifices are far more agonizing. The exchange of my damn mental sanity is far more than I am willing to bargain for. This shit definitely takes a toll on the mind.

Enduring sleepless nights for the sake of a dream is worth pursuing, but when it becomes mental hazing, its now considered a nightmare... Have I latched on so tightly to the principles of materialistic accomplishments that I have sacrificed my holistic values of happiness?

I am aware that life is about persevering through obstacles and maintaining strength through weakening moments…that I do understand. Perseverance and strength are indeed embedded in my Psyche, but often times I wonder, have I become that sheep among the pack of wolves?

I resent the idea of settling and the thought of defeat in none existent, at least not according to my principles. Therefore I must continue to strive for that point in my life where contention is not solely based on financial accomplishments, but rather on the accomplishments of sustaining through the obstacles that one encounters in life.